Monday, October 31, 2005

Exhausted...still not completely done with deadline. Just wrote "not completely dead."

I've been in Wells Hall since 9:25 p.m. Saturday, October 29 to 4:25 a.m. Monday, October 31. I have to go to a meeting with my adviser at 9 a.m. Pages are due by 5 p.m. in Kansas City. I've had approximately 2.5 hours of sleep since Saturday, October 29, 10:09 a.m. I spent that 2.5 hours sleeping in Wells Hall. I've spent more time working on the yearbook than I have sleeping in the last week. I'm not kidding. I'll do the math later. Why did I sign up for this?

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Yearbook is stressing me out...like giving me an ulcer stressing me out. I have deadline soon, and I've been pulling 12-hour shifts in the yearbook office. I've basically stopped communicating with everyone and everything in an effort to get this all done. My staff is falling apart on me, and it all comes down on my back. I'm not complaining, just airing my thoughts.

Beth - sorry I haven't talked to you in awhile. I really would like nothing more than sitting down and chatting with you, but I am booked solid. I'm freed from deadline after Halloween, so I'll do my best to talk to you Nov. 1. You're important to me, and it's just a matter of you don't keep the hours I do. If you were up right now, I'd forgo sleep to chat. Alas, you are not.

Sam - I hope the kitties aren't causing you too much duress. I would really like to hang out with you, but I just can't find the time. I feel bad, and I feel like I'm screwing this all up. I'll try to stop by in a few hours to give Mittens her meds and get a hug. We're getting totally smashed when deadline is over.

T-Rev - You're saving my ass with your Tower dedication. It means more than you probably know.

Tower Staff - It's a struggle to manage you, but your hard work and long hours are not thankless. I'm glad to work with you.

Hartley - Probably one of the worst 21st birthdays ever, right? I'm sorry. We're almost through it all.

PMA - Skit kicked ass. I'll be looking forward to seeing you guys after deadline.

Anyone who's tried to contact me: Sorry I'm slacking off in this area. I'll try to catch up soon.

Well, I need to wind down a bit more, but I think I'll leave Xanga for now. Don't expect an update for awhile.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Spent some time in Wells Hall tonight working on yearbook. It's so peaceful to just listen to classical music and measure picas. I'm not looking forward to the noise of a workday. Oh well, better get some sleep before the whole business begins. I'm a loser...

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

The_Boy_Named_Blue has returned to its original blue format. Well, the colors probably weren't the exact same, but it is definitely blue.
Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia will be performing at the Homecoming Variety Show Wednesday-Friday, so make sure you get tickets, come to the show and cheer for us. It's pretty kickass if I do say so myself. Of course, all of the organizations put in a lot of time for these evenings, so make sure you stick around after we perform.
If you couldn't tell, it's Homecoming week, and it's the first NW Homecoming I've had where I'm not stressing out about getting ready for Saturday. It's a good thing! To be honest, I haven't really even been stressing out about skit. Of course, I'm chorus, so I just have to make sure to sing loud and remember the dance moves. Other people have a lot more work.
I'm in a fairly decent mood lately, although I'm still a little tired. We got some work done this weekend for Tower, but we discovered that we had been designing all of our pages for a size 7 book instead of a size 9, so that merits a major redesign. I don't know how it happened, but there's nothing I can do now except suck it up and fix the problem. I *think* we'll be able to get everything done by deadline (Halloween), but please be forgiving if I'm a little cranky for the next two weeks.
Speaking of cranky, I was so angry and bitter and sleep-deprived on Sunday that I drove off from the McDonalds drive-thru when the lady cut me off in my order and gave me my total. I had no patience for people who didn't listen. I still don't. If you work in the service industry and you ask someone a question, listen to their answer. I'd rather you not ask at all if you're not listening.
Okay, rant over. I have some concerns with my other job at the Episcopal Church. I've expressed some of those concerns to Samantha, and I'm not sure that Xanga is the right place to say them again. However, I will say that certain attitudes cause certain problems. Acceptance of other people is very important to the Episcopal Church, and you should be careful about what you're saying. Relgion is ever-changing, and we need to recognize that. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then don't assume anything. I speak in generalities because that is a diplomatic way of expressing my opinion without offending anyone.
Okay, I need to get to work on psychology stuff, so I'll update more later. Try to stay positive, and if you're feeling down, talk to someone who believes in you. It's a great feeling. You know who you are, and even though you don't read this, thanks.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Things went awry with yearbook last night. Big mistake, still need to clean up all the mess. Why is it that Homecoming just makes me hate everything? I can't wait until I'm an alumnus. I need sleep. I can't sleep because I have work to do. The appropriate word is fuck.

Friday, October 14, 2005

So, I said I was going to update about my change in career plans, and I'm finally done with my RHA stuff, so I guess I will.
I've been thinking a lot about journalism and how it's not right for me. I've also been thinking a lot about my passion for writing and how it's not likely to bring home any money soon. So, I'm stuck at an impasse. Do I pursue a job I know I won't like or do I step out and risk it all with almost certain failure? And then I found a great compromise. I love to teach, I really do. When I was 11, I wanted to be a math teacher. I've moved on from math, and although I thought about music for awhile, I've decided I would be a kickass English professor. I think I fit the part. And the great thing is, I could teach writing. I could continue to practice my craft, stay in the academic environment (which I love) and teach others to write. It's a win-win-win situation. So now I'm looking at graduate schools and really thinking hard about teaching. I don't want to be a reporter who writes creatively on the side. I don't want to be a professional who writes on the side. I want writing to be my lifeforce, whether I'm teaching or writing. It was a giant "AHA" moment when I came to this conclusion. I realize I may never be on the bestseller list, but as long as I can do what I love, I'll be fine. I'm doomed for a life of relative poverty, and I couldn't be happier.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

So, I'm going to start off this post by telling everyone about my experience giving blood Tuesday. I went over to the Station at about 1 p.m. and waited to sign up for giving blood. I filled out all the paperwork and eventually got on a bed. After waiting for awhile, they finally stabbed me with the needle and proceeded to drain me. I was truckin' along and I was almost through when one of the technicians came over to check on my progress. Now, if you've ever given blood you know that that take the bag off the hook and move it back and forth to make sure it's not clotting. Well, when the technician picked up the bag, she dropped it. This caused the needle to do a happy little jig inside my vein. I almost threw up/passed out. It was horrible. I finished up donating and they asked me how I was feeling as they took the last vial of blood for testing. "I'm a little nauseated," I said. So they laid me down and put a couple ice packs on me. Needles freak me out, but dancing needles in my veins make me ill, even now. However, I now have this lovely bruise and my arm hurts even 36 hours after giving blood. But, as they say, it's for a good cause.
In other news, it was dress up day for Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia, and I felt quite stylish. People dig my hair. It wasn't too painful to dress up all day, but I'd normally ditch the tie. I went to Margaret Cho tonight. I felt a little out of place because the room was full of gay guys, but it wasn't a big deal. Besides, Margaret Cho is too funny to skip out just because you're feeling a little outnumbered. She had some very good points to make, and I don't think I've laughed that much in some time. I was sorry to miss rehearsal for skit, but I wasn't going to miss out on a comedy show. I'll be there all the other times, so I figured I won't burn in hell for too long.
I'm debating whether to finish my award bid right now and then sleep or sleep for awhile then finish my award bid. I think I'll go with the latter.
Coming soon: a change in career plans? find out more later.

Friday, October 07, 2005

"From my own point of view, I can only tell you what has worked for me -- find something you really enjoy doing and pursue it. For me it was artwork. Since other subjects came to me with more difficulty, I tried to combine art with them. So, for example, in history, I would often provide drawings depicting a particular period or situation -- bringing together both cultural and historical elements. It did not nexessarily bring up my history grade, but it did keep my mind open to history as it related to something I loved."
--Jim Henson
Wise words from a wise man. I thought it was particularly relevant to my recent ponderings. Thanks Samantha.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

I suppose I should clarify a few things so as to avoid offending anyone. My spiritual troubles are my own, and I don't expect, or want, anyone to show me the way. I don't have anything wrong with Christianity, but I always feel as if Christians are trying to convert me to their side. I'm usually very passive about religion, but I think my inundation in a religious environment has affected me. I've become somewhat irritable because of it. I realize that my roommates are just trying to include me in their lives, but I'm so aversive to religion that I feel they're disappointed when I turn them down. I guess it's all supposed judgment, but I always get a sense of Thy Way or the Highway. I have some issues with accepting all facets of a religion and not relying on my own sense of what is right and just. I often feel Christians are focusing too much on "the Son of God" and the crucifixion of the man. I don't think anyone has it right. I think the important thing to remember is that our own values should match our religion's. I don't completely mesh with Christianity, so I'm still trying to find what fits me. But I am not lost. I don't feel any sense of emptiness by not identifying with a religion right now. Don't pray for my soul. I hate that.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

I needed a break. I found one. I just wanted to lose myself this evening. Instead of hitting the bars to drink and let loose, I opted for solitude. Strolling through Judah Park, I smelled earth. The smell of chopped wood and summer heat clinging to the air. I laid down on the hard pathway and stared at the stars. Drinking cheap vodka, I stared at the motionless sky. Nothing moved. It was perfect peace. I took in the smell of the fresh earth and thought about my past. The scent of wood chips triggered memories of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and the stacks of lumber that eventually formed a house. I thought about the beach of Lake Superior and the strong waves that toppled over my body. I thought of life fighting the freezing waves and the soft sand that welcomed me where liquid met solid. I wanted to lose myself in that border today. The calm air settled down on me like a blanket, and I closed my eyes. Insects buzzed in the night, and in the distance I could hear traffic. I was alone. I thought about death then. I always think about death if I'm left to my own devices. I wanted answers to the mysteries. I asked, but only silence followed. It's always silence. In my daily endeavors, I find human kindness but not divine presence. I find beauty in nature, but I don't feel any omniscient, benevolent force. I feel the pulse of life - individual life in balance with itself. Peaceful chaos of existence. I thought about rebirth. There is too much to live in just one lifetime. I thought about people who end their own lives. I thought about how it's a lousy escape, but it's what is right for some. I hoped those people found the right path to the next life. I thought about fate and repetition of history. What we are now forms what we will be in the future. I'm losing my Christianity. I don't think this is a bad thing. I'm finding more happiness, more acceptance, more forgiveness in the nameless beliefs I've adopted. The virtue of selfishness. Don't let what someone tells you form you. Let you form you. I came back to my apartment, which was full of people laughing at seemingly pointless conversation. It drove me crazy. Caution: sober thoughts. Do not mix with awkward exchanges. May cause drowsiness.