Tuesday, October 04, 2005

I needed a break. I found one. I just wanted to lose myself this evening. Instead of hitting the bars to drink and let loose, I opted for solitude. Strolling through Judah Park, I smelled earth. The smell of chopped wood and summer heat clinging to the air. I laid down on the hard pathway and stared at the stars. Drinking cheap vodka, I stared at the motionless sky. Nothing moved. It was perfect peace. I took in the smell of the fresh earth and thought about my past. The scent of wood chips triggered memories of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and the stacks of lumber that eventually formed a house. I thought about the beach of Lake Superior and the strong waves that toppled over my body. I thought of life fighting the freezing waves and the soft sand that welcomed me where liquid met solid. I wanted to lose myself in that border today. The calm air settled down on me like a blanket, and I closed my eyes. Insects buzzed in the night, and in the distance I could hear traffic. I was alone. I thought about death then. I always think about death if I'm left to my own devices. I wanted answers to the mysteries. I asked, but only silence followed. It's always silence. In my daily endeavors, I find human kindness but not divine presence. I find beauty in nature, but I don't feel any omniscient, benevolent force. I feel the pulse of life - individual life in balance with itself. Peaceful chaos of existence. I thought about rebirth. There is too much to live in just one lifetime. I thought about people who end their own lives. I thought about how it's a lousy escape, but it's what is right for some. I hoped those people found the right path to the next life. I thought about fate and repetition of history. What we are now forms what we will be in the future. I'm losing my Christianity. I don't think this is a bad thing. I'm finding more happiness, more acceptance, more forgiveness in the nameless beliefs I've adopted. The virtue of selfishness. Don't let what someone tells you form you. Let you form you. I came back to my apartment, which was full of people laughing at seemingly pointless conversation. It drove me crazy. Caution: sober thoughts. Do not mix with awkward exchanges. May cause drowsiness.

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