Friday, June 23, 2006

Your Weekly The_Boy_Named_Blue Horoscopes (Vol. 1, Issue 2)

Okay, in the past week, Sam filled me in on the rest of the Zodiac and the months they correspond to, so I can now issue a complete horoscope listing for your social enjoyment.

*Edit* It has been brought to my attention that I forgot to list Pisces. Any fish may now find their horoscope here as well.

Note: These horoscopes are based solely on scientific fact and should not be interpreted as fiction in any means. Failure to take these seriously may dramatically impact our leprechaun population.

Aries (3/21-4/19) Aries the Ram. .maR eht seirA Your week, much like this horoscope, looks palindromic. Since rams are notorious for small vocabularies, I'll explain. Your week will be the same forwards and backwards. This fact will be devastating to your digestive system, since it's generally ill advised to shit out your mouth. I'm not exactly sure what that has to do with palindromic weeks, but you might want to keep some mints handy. This week: Brush teeth thoroughly, avoid spicy food.

Leo (7/23-8/22) Leo the Lion. Hey, do ever wonder why a lot of cartoon lions seem overly effeminate? It's probably because they're based on you. This week: Trim your mane.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) Sagittarius the...uh...Sagger. This week, your pants will fall to dangerous levels. The position of Mars in the third house down the street means that the neighbors are going to need to build an addition. You should probably help in the construction, but avoid any plumbing jobs since we see too much of your crack already. This week: Buy a belt.

Taurus (4/20-5/20) Taurus the Station Wagon. With the high cost of gas, your owners will probably start looking into hybrid vehicles. Now is not the time for you to have any engine trouble. If you do, you might just end up getting sold to a new owner, and they might not treat you as well. You know, it's funny. You kind of sound like a slave, but slavery isn't funny. You really need to have a more tactful sense of humor. This week: Write a paper about human rights and slavery. Make it 12-point font and double spaced.

Virgo (8/23-9/22) Virgo the Virgin. At least that's what you keep telling everyone, but we all know the truth (you dirty harlot). Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if you hadn't lost your virginity at a nursing home. I know, I know. You were looking for a fling without any commitment, and old man Jenkins practically forgot who you were mid-coitus. Mid-coitus and old people...gross. This week: Change your sign, you slut.

Capricorn (12/22-1/19) Capricorn the Unicorn's Distant Cousin. I'm sticking with this one. Capricorn just sounds a little too fake, even for the Zodiac. However, this week I'm convinced you killed off all the unicorns because they were easily identifiable. I mean, if you see a horse with one horn, then you can pretty much be sure it's a unicorn. But if you see a capricorn, you probably won't even realize it because they're fake. This week: Bring me the bodies of five capricorns so I may study their anatomy and provide answers to identity of this mystery beast.

Gemini (5/21-6/21) Gemini the Bipolar Schizophrenic. Okay, someone pointed out that fact that it would be practically impossible to be one-half of a conjoined twin if your sibling was three years older than you. All right, I'll give in to that, but I still say you're retarded. This week we'll address your rapid and drastic mood swings. Maybe they wouldn't be such a big deal if you didn't get all manic and violent while holding babies, but there were just too many accidents last week. We need to get you on some medication. This week: Ease into the medication, and keep hugging old people at the mall.

Libra (9/23-10/22) Libra the Librarian. The question is: do you adhere to the Dewey Decimal System or the Library of Congress filing system. Or do you follow your own system? Some people talk about Libras holding the scales, but you're trying to rebel against the weight-conciousness of American society, aren't you? You know, justice isn't really blind, they just made that sculpture of her while she was playing pin the tail on the donkey. This week: Sculpt a new image of justice. Make sure to eat some paste too.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) Aquarius the Aquarius-like Creature. Okay, every time I start writing your horoscope, I think of the "Aquarius" song, and how it was really cool in The 40-Year Old Virgin but how you're not really cool at all. I guess it's that contradiction that will come into play this week. I'm going to tell you that you'll have a good week, but since you like to go against the grain, I guess your week will end up sucking. However, now I've given you both forecasts, so I guess you'll just have to wait and see. Let me know how that all turns out. This week: Seriously, can't you think of anything that would make you cool?

Cancer (6/22-7/22) Cancer the Tumor. See last week's horoscope, you booby-loving disease. This week: Continue the remission, and stay away.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) Scorpio the Scor-pinecone. Okay, I know Scorpio is the Scorpion, but I think it would be really cool to have one of the Zodiac creatures be a pine cone, and I figure Scorpios are just the type for that. I mean, you're already so anthropomorphic. Okay, I meant amorphous, but I wanted to spell anthropomorphic. Look them both up if you don't know what they mean. Pine cones need to learn. This week: Look into colleges. Perhaps a liberal arts major is just what you need to achieve enlightenment. Either that or a match.

Pisces (2/20-3/20) Pisces the Fish. I probably forgot about you in the first round because you're all aquatic like Aquarius. Your week looks like a big challenge because some people will be chasing you with butter and lemon around meal time. Avoid getting hooked and you'll end up floating upside down by natural causes. This week: Avoid drastic changes in pH.
So life is uneventful. I'm not kidding. I've just been sitting around the apartment everyday waiting to hear back on some jobs. Sam and I have settled back in Maryville, but I'm really getting tired of waiting. I just want a job (even a terrible one), but I don't seem to make callbacks. In the grand scheme of things, the most stressful factor in my life is money. The expenses keep piling up, and I keep paying for them, but I'm not having much income. The only job I have is playing the organ at church, and $40/week isn't something to survive on.

I haven't been writing either. I guess I just need a little success in my life before I can convince myself to sit down and work on my stories. I spent awhile at Borders today just breathing. There's something so calming and peaceful about a bookstore. It really helped melt away the stress, and I was even happy for awhile. I was looking at some nonfiction and I remembered that I was really proud of some of the stuff I wrote in that class. I'm really proud of a lot of my work, but I'm insecure about it too. I guess it's a form of stage fright for writers.

Overall, I'm happy with my life. I'm loving married life. I'll feel a lot better about a lot of things when I have a little more financial security. I hate this contempt I have of spending money right now. I don't want to be a scrooge, but I'm worried about piling up debt.

Just needed to vent that little bit. Summer is flying by quickly, and school will begin again all too soon. It will be weird not going to class. I'm not done with school, but I have an extended vacation; extended until I get into a graduate school (application deadlines are looming).
I need to start updating this thing more frequently.

Friday, June 16, 2006


Instead of writing an actual update now that we're back in the 'Ville, I've decided to tell everyone their June 17 horoscope.

Scorpio - This should be more like a whore-scope because you really need to stop sleeping around. As the moon settles into that one part of the sky, you'll notice a burning sensation when you pee. This is perfectly natural for someone with syphilis. Tonight: Share the wealth.

Aquarius - You smell like fish. It's highly advisable that you take a long shower and avoid laying in the sun. Also, the position of Jupiter in the sky means you'll need a telescope to see it well, and you'll have to figure out exactly where to look. Tonight: Squeeze a lemon over yourself.

Leo - Grrr. Like a tiger (without the stripes). Tonight: Avoid maiming small children and take in a movie.

Sagittarius - When's your birthday again? Isn't it like September or something. It doesn't matter anyway because no one's going to bother mentioning it when it comes around. Tonight: Take more "emo" pics for myspace.

Pisces - You're a lot like Aquarius. Stay away from seagulls. Tonight: Find a dirty pirate hooker to talk to.

Capricorn - Much like a unicorn (expect with a Capr), you are fictional. I don't think you really exist, but if you did, your blood would grant me immortality. How many horns would a capricorn have? Tonight: Figure that out and let me know.

Cancer - You're probably breast cancer because you like boobies. No one likes a lump. Tonight: Shrink and die.

Gemini - If you're this sign, it's not so much that you have a dual personality as you were originally one half of a conjoined twin. Your other half was three years older than you and severely retarded. Your parents split you up and your twin died. Luckily, you were able to keep all your organs and characteristics, including the retardation. Tonight: Hug people at the mall.

Those other signs - I don't remember you because you never call anymore. I'm tired of only being your fair weather friend.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Well, we're back from the Honeymoon and are staying at Sam's parents' house for a few days. So I suppose some sort of update is in order.

Well, the wedding was a blast. My nerves were not too bad on the wedding day (although I did manage to break a tooth the day before because of grinding my jaws in my sleep). My wedding nerves were rather passive, and they didn't get in the way of the day at all. I drove about 1,000 miles around southwest Michigan running various errands the few days before the big day (and on the big day). I don't think I've ever driven so much in such a little time (long road trips to and from school excluded). Due to my great amounts of driving, I didn't get to relax as much as I had wanted, but such is life.

The wedding was great, the wedding party was great, and all in all it was a successful ceremony. I'll post pictures as soon as I get pictures.

Probably the most memorable event of the wedding day was when we stopped at Tyden Park on our way to the reception. We had rented the Holly Trolley to take the wedding party around town, and we wanted some outdoor pictures. Upon arriving, we found the park fairly empty, save for one unkempt woman in a black Cher shirt. As she approached the wedding party, I realized she was a crazy cat lady (not joking). She chased her cat around the park yelling, "Come back here, ya old bastard." Turns out she wasn't just a crazy cat lady, but a drunk crazy cat lady. Luckily, I was able to avoid her for the most part, but Sam and her bridesmaid Shelley had a close encounter with the woman. Great memories.

The reception was awesome as well. We had a blast at the Country Club, and there are lots of pictures for us to post as soon as we get them loaded on the computer. I had a blast hanging out with all of our friends and family, and the people working the reception said they hadn't had that much fun at a reception ever. It was truly awesome.

Blah blah blah, left the reception, went up to Grand Rapids to spend the night in a hotel before leaving for Mexico the next morning. After a rather lengthy flight from Chicago to Puerto Vallarta, we arrived at our all-inclusive resort, Grand Velas. I could describe how truly awesome this place is, and I will soon post pictures of our room and view, but for now you can just stop by to see pictures of the resort. The honeymoon was a great chance to relax and spend some quality time together. It was just what we needed after the stress of the wedding. I did a good job not getting sunburned until Friday, when I truly got fried by the pool. All in all, it was great. We didn't have to pay for food or alcohol. Sam has a great story to tell everyone about my encounter with a peacock after drinking a whole bottle of White Zinfandel, but I'll let her tell you that tale. I also got drunk on mojitos and tequila later in the week.

At the end of the honeymoon, we were both ready to come back to the U.S. of A. and hang out with our family. The trip back was rather uneventful, save for the fact that Mexico was playing Iran in the World Cup while we were at the airport. Needless to say, a lot of the airport staff was more interested in the game than in helping the travellers.

So now we're back in Michigan, and we're spending a few days here before coming back down to Maryville. I'll do my best to post pictures very soon (and NYC pictures for those of you who are still waiting). Until then, keep on keeping on.