Instead of writing an actual update now that we're back in the 'Ville, I've decided to tell everyone their June 17 horoscope.
Scorpio - This should be more like a whore-scope because you really need to stop sleeping around. As the moon settles into that one part of the sky, you'll notice a burning sensation when you pee. This is perfectly natural for someone with syphilis. Tonight: Share the wealth.
Aquarius - You smell like fish. It's highly advisable that you take a long shower and avoid laying in the sun. Also, the position of Jupiter in the sky means you'll need a telescope to see it well, and you'll have to figure out exactly where to look. Tonight: Squeeze a lemon over yourself.
Leo - Grrr. Like a tiger (without the stripes). Tonight: Avoid maiming small children and take in a movie.
Sagittarius - When's your birthday again? Isn't it like September or something. It doesn't matter anyway because no one's going to bother mentioning it when it comes around. Tonight: Take more "emo" pics for myspace.
Pisces - You're a lot like Aquarius. Stay away from seagulls. Tonight: Find a dirty pirate hooker to talk to.
Capricorn - Much like a unicorn (expect with a Capr), you are fictional. I don't think you really exist, but if you did, your blood would grant me immortality. How many horns would a capricorn have? Tonight: Figure that out and let me know.
Cancer - You're probably breast cancer because you like boobies. No one likes a lump. Tonight: Shrink and die.
Gemini - If you're this sign, it's not so much that you have a dual personality as you were originally one half of a conjoined twin. Your other half was three years older than you and severely retarded. Your parents split you up and your twin died. Luckily, you were able to keep all your organs and characteristics, including the retardation. Tonight: Hug people at the mall.
Those other signs - I don't remember you because you never call anymore. I'm tired of only being your fair weather friend.