Friday, June 23, 2006

Your Weekly The_Boy_Named_Blue Horoscopes (Vol. 1, Issue 2)

Okay, in the past week, Sam filled me in on the rest of the Zodiac and the months they correspond to, so I can now issue a complete horoscope listing for your social enjoyment.

*Edit* It has been brought to my attention that I forgot to list Pisces. Any fish may now find their horoscope here as well.

Note: These horoscopes are based solely on scientific fact and should not be interpreted as fiction in any means. Failure to take these seriously may dramatically impact our leprechaun population.

Aries (3/21-4/19) Aries the Ram. .maR eht seirA Your week, much like this horoscope, looks palindromic. Since rams are notorious for small vocabularies, I'll explain. Your week will be the same forwards and backwards. This fact will be devastating to your digestive system, since it's generally ill advised to shit out your mouth. I'm not exactly sure what that has to do with palindromic weeks, but you might want to keep some mints handy. This week: Brush teeth thoroughly, avoid spicy food.

Leo (7/23-8/22) Leo the Lion. Hey, do ever wonder why a lot of cartoon lions seem overly effeminate? It's probably because they're based on you. This week: Trim your mane.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) Sagittarius the...uh...Sagger. This week, your pants will fall to dangerous levels. The position of Mars in the third house down the street means that the neighbors are going to need to build an addition. You should probably help in the construction, but avoid any plumbing jobs since we see too much of your crack already. This week: Buy a belt.

Taurus (4/20-5/20) Taurus the Station Wagon. With the high cost of gas, your owners will probably start looking into hybrid vehicles. Now is not the time for you to have any engine trouble. If you do, you might just end up getting sold to a new owner, and they might not treat you as well. You know, it's funny. You kind of sound like a slave, but slavery isn't funny. You really need to have a more tactful sense of humor. This week: Write a paper about human rights and slavery. Make it 12-point font and double spaced.

Virgo (8/23-9/22) Virgo the Virgin. At least that's what you keep telling everyone, but we all know the truth (you dirty harlot). Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if you hadn't lost your virginity at a nursing home. I know, I know. You were looking for a fling without any commitment, and old man Jenkins practically forgot who you were mid-coitus. Mid-coitus and old people...gross. This week: Change your sign, you slut.

Capricorn (12/22-1/19) Capricorn the Unicorn's Distant Cousin. I'm sticking with this one. Capricorn just sounds a little too fake, even for the Zodiac. However, this week I'm convinced you killed off all the unicorns because they were easily identifiable. I mean, if you see a horse with one horn, then you can pretty much be sure it's a unicorn. But if you see a capricorn, you probably won't even realize it because they're fake. This week: Bring me the bodies of five capricorns so I may study their anatomy and provide answers to identity of this mystery beast.

Gemini (5/21-6/21) Gemini the Bipolar Schizophrenic. Okay, someone pointed out that fact that it would be practically impossible to be one-half of a conjoined twin if your sibling was three years older than you. All right, I'll give in to that, but I still say you're retarded. This week we'll address your rapid and drastic mood swings. Maybe they wouldn't be such a big deal if you didn't get all manic and violent while holding babies, but there were just too many accidents last week. We need to get you on some medication. This week: Ease into the medication, and keep hugging old people at the mall.

Libra (9/23-10/22) Libra the Librarian. The question is: do you adhere to the Dewey Decimal System or the Library of Congress filing system. Or do you follow your own system? Some people talk about Libras holding the scales, but you're trying to rebel against the weight-conciousness of American society, aren't you? You know, justice isn't really blind, they just made that sculpture of her while she was playing pin the tail on the donkey. This week: Sculpt a new image of justice. Make sure to eat some paste too.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) Aquarius the Aquarius-like Creature. Okay, every time I start writing your horoscope, I think of the "Aquarius" song, and how it was really cool in The 40-Year Old Virgin but how you're not really cool at all. I guess it's that contradiction that will come into play this week. I'm going to tell you that you'll have a good week, but since you like to go against the grain, I guess your week will end up sucking. However, now I've given you both forecasts, so I guess you'll just have to wait and see. Let me know how that all turns out. This week: Seriously, can't you think of anything that would make you cool?

Cancer (6/22-7/22) Cancer the Tumor. See last week's horoscope, you booby-loving disease. This week: Continue the remission, and stay away.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) Scorpio the Scor-pinecone. Okay, I know Scorpio is the Scorpion, but I think it would be really cool to have one of the Zodiac creatures be a pine cone, and I figure Scorpios are just the type for that. I mean, you're already so anthropomorphic. Okay, I meant amorphous, but I wanted to spell anthropomorphic. Look them both up if you don't know what they mean. Pine cones need to learn. This week: Look into colleges. Perhaps a liberal arts major is just what you need to achieve enlightenment. Either that or a match.

Pisces (2/20-3/20) Pisces the Fish. I probably forgot about you in the first round because you're all aquatic like Aquarius. Your week looks like a big challenge because some people will be chasing you with butter and lemon around meal time. Avoid getting hooked and you'll end up floating upside down by natural causes. This week: Avoid drastic changes in pH.

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