Your Weekly The_Boy_Named_Blue Horoscopes (Vol. 1, Issue 3)
So I was sitting here this fine evening cooling down after a nice run when I realized that Your regular Friday evening horoscopes have been horribly delayed in publication. This is probably due to the fact that I was watching the cult classic Army of Darkness Friday evening instead of sitting in front of my computer. You have my utmost apologies.
Note: These horoscopes are based solely on scientific fact and should not be interpreted as fiction in any means. Avoid driving heavy machinery while under the influence of these horoscopes as drowsiness may occur.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) Okay, so I've been a little cruel to Cancer these last few weeks, and I guess it's time to make some amends and stop referring to you as Cancer the Tumor. Cancer the Crab it is. But never you fear, they have this special shampoo and comb just for you. This week: Avoid further exposure to dirty hookers.
Leo (7/23-8/22) Leo the Lion-O. I was in Movie Magic this week when I heard the ThunderCats theme song. That is perhaps the worst television show theme song ever created. Jeez, last week I give you crap about being overly effeminate, and these week I find out that you have horrible theme music. You kind of suck. This week: Bring me the head of Snarf.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) I hope you've atoned over the past week for your geriatric fling because you're going to need all the divine intervention you can get. With all the bottle rockets being shot over the Fourth of July holiday, it's fairly certain that at least one will hit the moon, knocking it out of orbit and sending it crashing into your house. With any luck, in the mass confusion following said accident, no one will realize it was your explosive fetish that caused this mess. This week: Lay low for awhile, and maybe find a safe house.
Libra (9/23-10/22) Libra the Liberator. It's your holiday this week, celebrate America's declaration of independence by declaring your own autonomy. You could start making your own toothbrushes out of twigs and cat whiskers or maybe you could be your own grandpa. Whatever you choose, make sure you wear clean underwear. You never know when you'll have to fling them at someone. This week: Seriously, clean your underwear already.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) Scorpio the Oiprocs. Now, an oiprocs sounds just about as fictional as a capricorn, but I guess you have to work with what you're given. After all, you can't choose your birthday; you're not as talented as those Virgos, are you? Now, I'm not sure you can actually do this, but you might look into changing your birthday. If you can't do it legally, at least tell people it's a different day. Come on, no one likes an oiprocs. This week: Think about what you've done. After all, oiprocs hatred has to be a little bit your fault.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) Sagittarius, the most difficult Zodiac name to spell. Is it one "t" and two "r"s or the other way around? I guess you'll have to look here every time you have to answer that question. You know, the folks at the Scripps National Spelling Bee all know how to spell you, but they don't appreciate having to do it. Painful, just painful. This week: Make your own spelling be. Include fake words; that makes it more fun.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) Capricorn the strange creature. I'm feeling rather uninspired by your sign. Perhaps this is because you too are boring. Now, I'm not one to point fingers because it's easier to just libel someone on the internet, but seriously, you need a life. I mean, I sat around all day watching TV, but you probably did something boring like hanging out with your friends or working. Jeez, that's dull. This week: Seriously, you need a life.
Aquarius (1/20-2/19) Aquarius the Nautical Superstar. Go to Wal-Mart and buy some Grapples. They're apples that taste like grapes. I'm serious. They're real. The reason why you need to eat grapples is because you aren't getting your daily recommended amount of fruit. I know these things, the stars tell me. This week: Seriously, if you don't eat enough fruit, you'll get scurvy.
Pisces (2/20-3/20) Pisces the a lot like Aquarius. Seriously, why did the Zodiac put two aquatic things together? This week: Move your sign further away from Aquarius. You know you're just trying to latch on to the more popular, scurvy-stricken kids.
Aries (3/21-4/19) Aries the Area Rug. This week, you'll probably just lay around letting people walk all over you. This is because you have low self-esteem issues. That's probably because you suck. Yep, gotta love good, old emotional abuse. This week: Gain some confidence; it's no fun knocking someone down if they're already at rock bottom.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) Taurus the Station Wagon. I'm sticking with this identification because I drove a Ford Taurus Station Wagon while I was in high school. What can I say, you were a shoddy yet relatively reliable form of transportation. Even today, I know I can depend on a Taurus to carry me and all my stuff. You just complain a lot more. This week: Seriously, no one likes a whiner. Shut up with the complaints already.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) Gemini the Multipack. You're great for every day, whether it's regular, light or heavy. You're dependable and you're guaranteed not to leak. Seriously, good job. This week: Pull the string.