Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Tonight, I'm battling something unidentified. It's just one of those moods. I haven't written or revised anything for almost one month. I've accepted the idea that I won't get in to any graduate schools and I'll stay in Maryville another year. True, an acceptance would be wonderful, but I also think rejection is something I need to experience. There are days I feel like the golden boy who always gets a yes. I'm not entirely sure I existed today. More drone than human. Luckily, I have this handy little document that reminds me of what the day to day can be. I wrote this as a list, but it seems like poetry tonight. I'm not looking for encouragement, just venting.

details of daily existence

tan pima cotton towels – soft, comforting, dry off after shower always forget my shoulders. shirt clings to wetness slowly drying.

wake up slowly. go back to sleep. lucid dreaming. I must write the resolution of my night. can sleep for hours more writing stories only for me. my mind a paper, my dreams in invisible ink. upon waking, fleeting memories. would write them down, but already written in my mind. unable to recall

turn on the shower, wander out of the bathroom to computer. check my email. check my online journal. check others’ online journals. always in order. when I wake up, I stretch my body to stand tall in the day. half sit up, twist and crack. my back like bubble wrap

I can’t write soul without writing sould. I usually just delete the d and move on with my life. even when writing by hand, I add a d. what does it mean. is it psychological or just an odd quirk. possible exploration.

I don’t wait to put on my shoes in the morning. I get dressed and throw on my shoes, even if I don’t plan on leaving my apartment in the near future. I can’t stand not wearing shoes. I put them on in the morning and usually wear them until I go to bed at night. I always tie my right shoe first. I’m right-footed, left-handed. I was one of the last in my class to tie my shoes. even now, I feel like I’m just faking my way through it and I’m not doing it right.

when I button my shirt, I button the highest button I want to button and then the lowest button. fill in the middle. it’s like tracing the borders of a coloring book before filling them with color.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

I don't have a lot to post about these days. I'm trying to be positive, but I feel like I'm on hold. This has become my theme song in the meantime. I'm not the only one awaiting news, and to honest with you, I'd rather get bad news than have my friend receive it instead. Like I said, patience is something I need to practice.

Waiting for My Real Life to Begin/Colin Hay

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down down down, on me

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin