Tonight, I'm battling something unidentified. It's just one of those moods. I haven't written or revised anything for almost one month. I've accepted the idea that I won't get in to any graduate schools and I'll stay in Maryville another year. True, an acceptance would be wonderful, but I also think rejection is something I need to experience. There are days I feel like the golden boy who always gets a yes. I'm not entirely sure I existed today. More drone than human. Luckily, I have this handy little document that reminds me of what the day to day can be. I wrote this as a list, but it seems like poetry tonight. I'm not looking for encouragement, just venting.
details of daily existence
tan pima cotton towels – soft, comforting, dry off after shower always forget my shoulders. shirt clings to wetness slowly drying.
wake up slowly. go back to sleep. lucid dreaming. I must write the resolution of my night. can sleep for hours more writing stories only for me. my mind a paper, my dreams in invisible ink. upon waking, fleeting memories. would write them down, but already written in my mind. unable to recall
turn on the shower, wander out of the bathroom to computer. check my email. check my online journal. check others’ online journals. always in order. when I wake up, I stretch my body to stand tall in the day. half sit up, twist and crack. my back like bubble wrap
I can’t write soul without writing sould. I usually just delete the d and move on with my life. even when writing by hand, I add a d. what does it mean. is it psychological or just an odd quirk. possible exploration.
I don’t wait to put on my shoes in the morning. I get dressed and throw on my shoes, even if I don’t plan on leaving my apartment in the near future. I can’t stand not wearing shoes. I put them on in the morning and usually wear them until I go to bed at night. I always tie my right shoe first. I’m right-footed, left-handed. I was one of the last in my class to tie my shoes. even now, I feel like I’m just faking my way through it and I’m not doing it right.
when I button my shirt, I button the highest button I want to button and then the lowest button. fill in the middle. it’s like tracing the borders of a coloring book before filling them with color.